Kulyek-Kenys Bys Vykken !
This family moved to Cornwall, somewhere down near Polruan
The trouble was, after a while they couldn’t stand the moo’in
So…they sued the cattle farmer for their hours of loss of sleep
The cows? They had to go…what will happen to the sheep ?
Yes, last year beside the River Fowey the bleating of the sheep
Was actually disturbing a holidaymaker’s sleep !!
The baaing sheep had roamed these fields for ever and a day
This lady said, whilst she was here, “They’ll have to go away !!”
Another lot, they moved here too, not far from Cripplesease
They’d been there less than one full year they couldn’t stand the bees
So…they sued the local beekeeper they said there’d been a stinging
The bees? They had to go of course, they’d go no more a-wingin’
Then there’s the lot who bought a farm and all the land around it
They ‘didn’t see’, before they came, the footpath...then they ‘found it’
Just how did they deal with that ? …let us not cast aspersions
At their success in engineering public right of way diversions
The local pub, it owns a cat … a friend to all who sup there
It came and sat upon the bar, the visitor said ‘that’s not fair’
And so … the cat, it had to go, through that newcomer’s whinging
And the locals must obey his rules, catless, in their bingeing
The owner of the camping site at Magor Farm, Tehidy
Received complaints of noisy rooks from a visiting old biddy
She said "They're always 'at it' in the trees and spoiling my vacation
So get a gun and shoot the birds" she ranted in frustration
A recent enfuriating interference ? Oh, so petty !!
Concerns the fishermen of Helford, who need a granite jetty
But those second-home owners who are very occasionally here
Complain “ It’ll spoil our view ! So, it must be stopped, we fear !”
And now we hear that Probus too has joined this little ode
Newcomers have just moved to their new Cornish abode
But, listen! What is that awful noise? Is it a cock-a-doodle calling?
“Off with his head !! We find this country noise is totally appalling !”
Up at Lostwithiel we hear that sounds of discord have been voiced
‘Anonymous’ and ‘whatsisname’ their noise abatement cries have hoist
They say the local Cornish band are ‘suddenly’ too loud
Where they lived before was quiet, now they’re here they’ll cast a cloud
So praises sing to the filthy rich and all those of their kind
Who cannot stand our country ways and must change all they find
The cockerel must be destroyed, the rambler be frustrated
Those who try to change our ways should, by law, be expatriated
To those of you who read this ode, and think “that’s an unfair bit !”
What can I say…the truth can hurt, and if the cap fits. wear it !
The milk must come from somewhere, and also eggs and honey
Footpaths were here before you came, go elsewhere with your money.
The above odd ode was inspired by the pathetic, paranoid stupidity of a a recently arrived neighbour of a friend who kept bees and produced fine honey ... this neighbour decided that any flying insect in his garden pollinating his flowers was (a) 'doing' bee poo on his precious car (b) a potential stinging threat and (c) must have originated at the garden of our friend !!
Conclusion ... a number of rude confrontations, letters and then a threat to sue unless all the bees were destroyed or at least removed.
The reference to the footpaths is very much my own experience, from places as far apart as St Buryan and Ellenglaze ... footpaths being diverted after new owners have purchased properties knowing of the existence of byways and, worse still, not re-signing them or clearing the 'new' route. The other verses are based on the stories reported in the local press of visitors and newcomers not liking what they find when the get here !!
All we ask is for some tolerance of the ways of others, courtesy, and understanding.