Kulyek-Kenys Bys Vykken .. cockcrow for ever!!

Occasional Poems

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Kulyek-Kenys Bys Vykken !


This family moved to Cornwall, somewhere down near Polruan

The trouble was, after a while they couldn’t stand the moo’in

So…they sued the cattle farmer for their hours of loss of sleep

The cows? They had to go…what will happen to the sheep ?


Yes, last year beside the River Fowey the bleating of the sheep

Was actually disturbing a holidaymaker’s sleep !!

The baaing sheep had roamed these fields for ever and a day

This lady said, whilst she was here, “They’ll have to go away !!”


Another lot, they moved here too, not far from Cripplesease

They’d been there less than one full year they couldn’t stand the bees

So…they sued the local beekeeper they said there’d been a stinging

The bees? They had to go of course, they’d go no more a-wingin’


Then there’s the lot who bought a farm and all the land around it

They ‘didn’t see’, before they came, the footpath...then they ‘found it’

Just how did they deal with that ? …let us not cast aspersions

At their success in engineering public right of way diversions


The local pub, it owns a cat … a friend to all who sup there

It came and sat upon the bar, the visitor said ‘that’s not fair’

And so … the cat, it had to go, through that newcomer’s whinging

And the locals must obey his rules, catless, in their bingeing


The owner of the camping site at Magor Farm, Tehidy

Received complaints of noisy rooks from a visiting old biddy

She said "They're always 'at it' in the trees and spoiling my vacation

So get a gun and shoot the birds" she ranted in frustration


A recent enfuriating interference ? Oh, so petty !!

Concerns the fishermen of Helford, who need a granite jetty

But those second-home owners who are very occasionally here

Complain “ It’ll spoil our view ! So, it must be stopped, we fear !”


And now we hear that Probus too has joined this little ode

Newcomers have just moved to their new Cornish abode

But, listen! What is that awful noise? Is it a cock-a-doodle calling?

“Off with his head !! We find this country noise is totally appalling !”


Up at Lostwithiel we hear that sounds of discord have been voiced

‘Anonymous’ and ‘whatsisname’ their noise abatement cries have hoist

They say the local Cornish band are ‘suddenly’ too loud

Where they lived before was quiet, now they’re here they’ll cast a cloud



So praises sing to the filthy rich and all those of their kind

Who cannot stand our country ways and must change all they find

The cockerel must be destroyed, the rambler be frustrated

Those who try to change our ways should, by law, be expatriated


To those of you who read this ode, and think “that’s an unfair bit !”

What can I say…the truth can hurt, and if the cap fits. wear it !

The milk must come from somewhere, and also eggs and honey

Footpaths were here before you came, go elsewhere with your money.



(c)  phootprints


The above odd ode was inspired by the pathetic, paranoid stupidity of a a recently arrived neighbour of a friend who kept bees and produced fine honey ... this neighbour decided that any flying insect in his garden pollinating his flowers was (a) 'doing' bee poo on his precious car  (b) a potential stinging threat and (c) must have originated at the garden of our friend !!

Conclusion ... a number of rude confrontations, letters and then a threat to sue unless all the bees were destroyed or at least removed.


The reference to the footpaths is very much my own experience, from places as far apart as St Buryan and Ellenglaze ... footpaths being diverted after new owners have purchased properties knowing of the existence of byways and, worse still, not re-signing them or clearing the 'new' route. The other verses are based on the stories reported in the local press of visitors and newcomers not liking what they find when the get here !!


All we ask is for some tolerance of the ways of others, courtesy, and understanding.


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